Therapy Notes 06/23/2020
- It's too hot
- I've been doing too much and not giving myself enough time to do stuff for myself. I do this because I feel like if I only did the things that I wanted and had the energy to do, I would do nothing.
- Still, I managed to mostly clean the shower, and got my new shower curtain/liner up, and only 2 months after I got them...
- It's hard to feel any sense of accomplishment when the things I do are so haphazard. It's hard to feel good about cleaning the shower when it took me so long to do it, and when it ended up being relatively easy to do once I'd gotten around my mental blocks.
- I have impossible standards for myself, potentially subconsciously intentional to get myself to give up.
- I've had to deal with a long string of obstacles only to learn that I have to accept that I hate myself, that I have to accept my feelings as they are before I can actually address them. That blows.
- Therapist likened dealing with these obstacles to playing chess. He suggested taking the perspective of the chessboard as opposed to the pieces, which I really liked.
- I'm super invested in being the pieces because I tell myself that the pieces are the source of those things about me that I like. I credit playing the pieces for my creativity and my empathy and whatever intelligence I possess, but what if those things are inherent to the board?
- Essentially, the chess pieces are my mind, while the chessboard is me. It's a reminder that I am not my mind, that my mind is just a tool that my psyche can use. I posited that my amygdala was the pieces, while my prefrontal cortex is the board.
- Can also liken it to the Matrix. Clearing the gap from amygdala-based fight-or-flight to PFC-based mindfulness is essentially the line "Stop trying to hit me, and hit me."
- I've been doing too much and not giving myself enough time to do stuff for myself. I do this because I feel like if I only did the things that I wanted and had the energy to do, I would do nothing.
- Still, I managed to mostly clean the shower, and got my new shower curtain/liner up, and only 2 months after I got them...
- It's hard to feel any sense of accomplishment when the things I do are so haphazard. It's hard to feel good about cleaning the shower when it took me so long to do it, and when it ended up being relatively easy to do once I'd gotten around my mental blocks.
- I have impossible standards for myself, potentially subconsciously intentional to get myself to give up.
- I've had to deal with a long string of obstacles only to learn that I have to accept that I hate myself, that I have to accept my feelings as they are before I can actually address them. That blows.
- Therapist likened dealing with these obstacles to playing chess. He suggested taking the perspective of the chessboard as opposed to the pieces, which I really liked.
- I'm super invested in being the pieces because I tell myself that the pieces are the source of those things about me that I like. I credit playing the pieces for my creativity and my empathy and whatever intelligence I possess, but what if those things are inherent to the board?
- Essentially, the chess pieces are my mind, while the chessboard is me. It's a reminder that I am not my mind, that my mind is just a tool that my psyche can use. I posited that my amygdala was the pieces, while my prefrontal cortex is the board.
- Can also liken it to the Matrix. Clearing the gap from amygdala-based fight-or-flight to PFC-based mindfulness is essentially the line "Stop trying to hit me, and hit me."
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