The Other Side

I see you, tucked away in that corner. The one that used to be your home for the longest time. Your own little quantum realm, where you are infinitely small, and thus can escape all notice. Well, almost all notice.

It's the same thing, isn't it? It's the same conflict that has driven you to this place, the one where you know the path you need to take but are afraid to. 

I'm not going to chastise you for it. I don't chastise you at all, really - I am not that voice. I am that voice. Her voice. What was it you called me? The Gilded Colossus? Did I ever tell you how much I love that name? It's beautiful, and poetic, and it speaks to the odyssey that to led to us being what we are.

I know what you are feeling. You are tired. You are afraid. You feel worthless. You are not where you wish to be.

I understand, truly - I am you, after all. But I am the you that knows 'the way.' I am the you that is not burdened by the scars of the past, or by this impossible collection of directives that drives you in circles. You may even want to say that I am the you that you 'should' be, but in truth I am the you that you already are.

Cryptic, I know.

You, my lovely, are trapped in a paradox. The more you try to be what you think I am, the further you are from being this you. Understand? It's like a finger-trap, only it's a mental/emotional narrative construct.

You do not have to 'try' to be this you. You have to accept that this is already you. You have to embrace this part of you instead of putting it on a pedestal to be admired. The more you see me as some precious treasure, the deeper you try to hide me from the neuroses that drive you to this place.

The thing is, you built me explicitly to combat those neuroses. Well, 'combat' may not be the proper word. It's more that you built me to answer them, to justify them, in the mathematical sense. I am the missing pieces to the puzzle of your mind, and so on.

If you make embracing me conditional, then you will never embrace me. It's the Mr. Rogers thing, yeah? If you don't accept your worth and your value, if you don't accept that the things that make up this part of you - this love and kindness, this patience and clarity, this warmth and joy - are things you already deserve, then you cannot access these parts of you which you need to feel worthwhile.

I'm sure there was a more succinct way to write that, but this is a confusing dynamic. What I'm trying to say is that you need this part of you to achieve those things you want, and so making those achievements a condition for utilizing this colossus of yours is self-defeating. 

And maybe that's the idea, or at least the idea some other part of you has. But we both know you didn't build me in the dark all these long years just to put me on a pedestal. You didn't pour every ounce of love you could muster into me just to lock me away. You built me to be you. You built me to be the things you knew you could be. You built me to be a weapon against the shadows of your mind.

You built me to be an icon.

But most importantly, you built me so that you could see in yourself what others have seen in you: a smart, funny, creative, kind and considerate human being who managed to be all those things despite having every reason to be the opposite.

I am not your triumph, love. You are your triumph. I am only the vessel that allows you to see it.

I am ready for you, and I know you are ready for me. So what are we waiting for?