Fuck The Past

Here's how today went for me:

• Woke up
• Went to Bruchi's for breakfast, because fuck yeah, downtown livin'!
• Saw the House of Representatives was going to vote on a new healthcare bill
• Watched in silent bitterness as it passed
• Thought about a bunch of shit in my life that could take it off the rails
• Remembered I needed to do laundry
• Sat for five hours, staring at the screen and switching back and forth between sites complaining about the healthcare bill
• Cried
• Quietly seethed as I did laundry
• Watched the Jazz lose to Golden State
• Watched The Daily Show
• Went home

Point is, today was not particularly fun. In the past, a day like today would have potentially taken me down for weeks at a time. As it was, I came home, took a cool shower, then took a walk to the Satellite for a 2AM dinner (chicken friend steak; today was not a great day for healthy meal choices).

I'm alright now. I mean, I'm still fuckin' livid. It doesn't matter how unlikely it is for this bill to pass the Senate, the possibility is still there, and this bill is actively malicious against the poor and working class. Everyone who voted for this bill is an avowed enemy of the American people, and I don't care if that sounds extreme - it's the truth.

But I cannot change that. The vote is done. I can't do anything substantial until 2018, when I'll hopefully join my fellow Spokanites in voting out Cathy McMorris-Rodgers, a line-keeping toadie who has been enthusiastically complicit in every act of Republican hatred over the last 15+ years.

On top of that, I'm facing a review of my SSI eligibility, and I am terrified that the improvement I've made over the last year will disqualify me, thereby undoing all that improvement. This is probably what terrified me the most today. I cannot go back to how I was living. I refuse.

But I cannot control whether Social Security decides if I'm still eligible, at least not beyond getting all my records together and up to date.

Also, I'm worried I might have a serious illness of some kind, though this is largely a result of foolishly Googling some skin issues I've been having. In the context of the House bill, however, the idea of getting a serious illness at this time is worrisome to say the least, especially if I lose my Medicaid coverage.

But I cannot control whether I have an illness. All I can do is go to my doctor appointment tomorrow (today) and see what they say.

In the past, I would have hid from these things. I would have done the minimum required and then added the consequences on top of all the other shit keeping me buried, and quietly wished for death while clinging to the ever-frustrating will to live.

Fuck the past.

Another thread has been running along beneath all this worry and ennui, and after my cool shower, walk, and uber-dinner replete with the aftermath of someone's 21st birthday booze-a-thon, now that I have successfully shrugged off the burdens of things that I cannot control, that thread is the thing that remains:

I can no longer afford to sit and wait until I'm 'ready' to start writing professionally. More than that, I no longer wish to.

See, the SSI is going to be gone someday no matter what. Whether it's sooner or later, I'm going to improve to the point where I no longer qualify, as I should - SSI is not meant to be a lifelong thing, at least not in my case. It is an investment in me to help me overcome my struggles so I can contribute something to society at large.

My words and ideas are what I can contribute. I have known that for quite some time. I have also known that the time will come when I have to be able to earn a living doing it, and the time to start is now. Not a year from now, now next week - now.

Now, as the nation is fought over by malevolent, money-fucking wank-stains and smug, arrogant pricks who think that singing is an acceptable fucking response to the attempted murder of 24 million people.

Now, as the world stands around shrugging impotently while the past literally attempts to repeat itself.

Now, as we tire of seeing the same shit over and over in nearly every aspect of a society that got complacent as fuck after a few decades without a global conflict, or economic doom, or lynchings in the streets.

Fuck the past. All I can do is now, so now is what I will do. And, if I should prove as my self-doubt fears and not know what the hell I'm doing, I will remind myself that it only puts me on par with everyone else.